Sometimes when I can’t sleep I lie in bed staring at the ceiling and thinking about the flat my boyfriend and I are going to move into. In the fantasy it’s got wooden floors, duck egg blue walls, a huge squashy leather sofa covered in a patchwork quilt, and it’s filled with Diptique candles and Emma Bridgewater mugs. It’s not a fantasy that I’m particularly proud of, but it’s not one that inspires shame either.
Some of my sexual fantasies, however, I’ve tied myself up in knots over, because they’re just so inconsistent with the person who I want to be.
We know that we’re strong independent women. We’re allowed to have as much or as little sex as we want, and we’re allowed to decide what position, who with and where. At yet somehow, we can still end up feeling guilty about sex, especially our sexual fantasies.
Fantasies don’t conform to the same standards that our political views do. We’re not obliged to make them conform to the behaviours that we’d expect in reality, and that’s why it’s okay to have fantasies about things that in real life would be horrific, or awkward or just plain impossible.
1. The Rape Fantasy
“It’s often reported that rape is the most common female sexual fantasy. And I’m someone who does get turned on my thinking about a guy forcing me to have sex. It can be really hard to admit – I feel really bad about it.”
– Emily, 23, London
Why it’s okay: The salient thing here is that women aren’t fantasising about the reality of rape. They’re not fantasising about having their lives destroyed, their identity taken from them. Real rape is never acceptable. But what women fantasise about if different. Rape fantasies are about the removal of power, about feeling like a victim, feeling unable to resist. They’re also about being the object of desire. Bodice ripping men with rippling muscles, men who bend you over a four poster and force themselves upon innocents: they’re not real. But they can be sexy. There’s no violation of consent in fantasy.
2. Being Slapped
“I know people are into spanking, and that’s not a big deal. But I like it when my boyfriend slaps me across the face, during sex. It makes me feel really submissive and it really turns me on. I like the control aspect, as well as the fact that it’s kind of humiliating.Plus it hurts, but not too much.”
– Lily, 29, London
Why it’s okay: There is a huge difference between your partner slapping you because you’re being annoying, and slapping you in a fully consensual way because you like the way it hurts.As long as you’re both agreed on the boundaries, then there’s no reason not to experiment with it. Just make sure you don’t turn your head as he goes to slap you, because you run the risk of getting a slap to the ear.
3. Age Play
“It started with messing around, having sex in my old school uniform. And my boyfriend and I really got off on it. And then we started doing it a bit more. And my school girl alter ego got a bit of a character. I really enjoyed pretending to be naive and innocent, acting shocked when my boyfriend “teacher” touched me or spanked me. I feel weird about it. But it’s not that I’m pretending to be a child, but I’m taking aspects of childishness as part of a . But I still wouldn’t tell my friends in case they judged me.”
-Kate, 27, Edinburgh.
Why it’s okay: Because you’re not really a child. And knee socks look hot on adult women. It’s okay to use aspects of feeling innocent to make your sex life feel new all over again. Playing at being younger than you are is not the same as wanting to have sex with someone who is much younger.
4. The Virgin Fantasy
“There’s something about the idea of being a virgin and losing it to a guy I really, really fancy that really turns me on. I think it’s because the reality of losing your virginity is often awkward, embarrassing and not particularly sexy. The idea of taking those uncomfortable teenage years and turning them into something which is empowering excites me. I often fantasise about losing my virginity to the guy I’m currently dating, and I imagine it happening somewhere quiet and serene, like an Orchard, or on a summer’s day at a picnic, rather than in my parents’ house age 17, in the bathroom, before they get home from work”
– Sarah, 27, London
Why it’s OK: Sometimes re-writing history is the easiest way to come to terms with something, and the virgin fantasy is invariably linked in changing our attitude to sex as you grow up. Sex when you are young is confusing and often unsatisfying; the idea of revisiting a sub-par sexual experience as a young adult is definitely sexy, and should be celebrated. Don’t be afraid to tell your partner of these fantasies; the best way to improve your sex life is always through communication – and, hey, he might like it too. Cue the sexy school girl outfit.
5. The Begging Fantasy
“This sounds strange, but I love the idea of having to beg for sex. So often it’s the guy that is desperate for sex – but imagining what it would be like to be turned on so much that I’m literally gagging for a guy inside me. In this fantasy the guy goes down on me and won’t let me come – it isn’t til I’m literally on the edge and begging for sex that he goes inside me – slowly and steadily, and increases until I’m on the brink over and over. When I finally come there’s the ultimate release – both of being allowed penetration, and how close I’ve come again and again. It’s really hot”
– Laura, 24, Birmingham
Why it’s OK: Our relationship to sex is often linked in stress; sometimes we want sex more when we’re stressed, and often we don’t want it at all. One of the best ways to release tension through sex is by letting someone else take control – and allowing a guy to dominate doesn’t make you easy, less of a feminist or a push over. Letting someone control you, sometimes, is its own form of rebellion – so if you want to be control, we’re not judging you. If you want to control of your man, that’s totally cool too.
Originally posted by AFT Magazine